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Weekly Bugle: How Technology is Helping Catch Spider-Man

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The Weekly Bugle includes all of the interesting and cool things we see around the web, but didn’t quite make it as Featured News. The views expressed by JJJ are not necessarily those of Superior Spider-Talk – who honestly hope Jonah pursues a career in pizza.

AH -TECHNOLOGY!

J Jonah Jameson here, with another hard-hitting editorial keep you stay safe in a world filled with creepy men wearing masks. Today I’d like to talk about technology, and how science is going to help the authorities nab that creepiest of masked men (hint – he crawls on walls and shoots gunk from his forearms).

At least, I hope it comes out of his forearms...
At least, I hope it comes out of his forearms…

But as gunk-y as Spider-Man IS, modern advancements in computer chips and mechanized walkman utility software have given us the edge. Just look at how accredited parkour scientists have used a high-tech camera (called a Go-Pro) to accurately show us how Spider-Man moves around the city:

TOP NEWS

Go-Pro Scientists Study Spider-Man’s Creepy Movements

I was setting up my Xanga homepage yesterday (subscribe millennials!), when I came across this new research being published by “Go-Pro Scientists”. Researchers were able to fool Spider-Man into wearing a tiny video camcorder on his face by telling him it was the “hero” camera. In a revolting display of confused ethics and outright mockery of the justice system – the wall-crawler took the “heroic” device. Of course, the camera hasn’t been seen since Spider-Man enlisted one of his friends to help him get away with it. At least we will soon know his traveling habits thanks to…

Animators Use Advanced Gravity Simulation to Better Understand Why Spider-Man Prances About like a Crazed Loon Instead of Riding Subway like Decent Person

Before publishing here, I considered posting on my MySpace page, but I’m having some trouble recovering my password – that’s why I have a some schmuck update my articles here. But the guys at ImageWorksVFX are no schmucks – and are closer than ever to understanding Spider-Man’s creepy methods of transportation.

During last week’s apartment fire, three of the five people Spider-Man ripped from their homes stated that they were uncomfortable with the manner in which they were spared a certain and painful death. Miss June was one of the victims who couldn’t press charges against the anonymous vigilante, “He broke my window and grabbed me! One moment I’m on the couch, praying for any sign of help – and the next, Spider-Man is breaking my window! Who’s going to pay for that?”

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Another victim: Joe Cool, complained that Spider-Man held him awkwardly as he was swung away from the inferno of doom and inescapable death trap, “It was very uncomfortable”.

Black Panther Perceived as Hero Despite Mask, Is Not a Creep

I was uploading pictures of my son, the astronaut, to PhotoBucket yesterday – when I began thinking how nice it would be if all the so-called heroes would wear large space-helmets, badges, or were accompanied by a Fire Marshal to oversee their activities. Like REAL heroes. My boy, John Jameson, is the greatest hero who ever lived and he doesn’t need a mask. But are all masked men bad?

Mostly. But one certain Wakandian ruler might prove the exception to the rule. T’Challa is the sovereign King of Wakanda and also goes by the name: Black Panther. Having recently said as much as on Digg, I thought I should explain why Spider-Man is a masked creep and T’Challa is a innovative leader – but instead I’ll let the video speak for itself. Ultimately though, T’Challa shows what a responsible person would do with powers; he runs one of the most scientifically advanced countries in the world and makes my mustache razor. He is an exemption to the rule of flamboyant and thrill chasing vigilantes that we often find ourselves needing protection from. I LOVE MY RAZOR, T’CHALLA!

AND IN OTHER NEWS…

Upstanding journalism and outstanding photography is the Bugle way – and until I can figure out how to upload them to Bing, I’ll publish relevant photos here.

SpiderSnark011
Spider-Snark #11
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Vigilante After-Hours
Web-Warriors: Medieval Spider-Man
Web-Warriors: Medieval Spider-Man
Alt Amazing Spider-Man 2 Opening
Alt Amazing Spider-Man 2 Opening
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