The Weekly Bugle runs every week and includes all of the interesting and cool things we see around the web, but just didn’t quite make it as Featured News. The views expressed by JJJ are not necessarily those of Superior Spider-Talk – who honestly hope Jonah pursues a career in pizza.
HO HO HOLD THE PRESSES!
J Jonah Jameson here, and it’s been FAR too long! Due to the extremely lazy snarks that assist me, the Weekly Bugle has been away for “a holiday hiatus” – that “family time” ended up being more than a week! I had to fire everyone on staff for INCOMPETENCE and LOLLY-GAGGING! Unfortunately I couldn’t get the “Save Draft” button to work, so the holly-jolly miscreants are back to assisting me… FOR NOW. Darn millennials will probably ask for a WHOLE WEEK off for Martin Luther King day!!!
In a blatant display of disregard for public safety, Spider-Man took to the streets over the weekend with his pals Venom, Green Goblin, Hobgoblin, and many more. The chaos seems to be originating over Sony Picture Studios – and their ownership of the character’s movie rights. Sony has eagerly been spreading Spider-Man propaganda for years, and as we’ll see in the next story, even the director of the films has regrets about the movies’ violent outcome.
Well of course it didn’t work! The public isn’t stupid, and with the advocates of truth (like the Weekly Bugle) calling the propaganda films out at every turn, it was only a matter of time. The easily impressionable may have been fooled by the first two movies – but by the time the third movie was released, the everyman was fed up. Sam Raimi sat down with The Nerdist and finally confessed: “I tried to make it work…” and then, “I think that’s what doomed us”.
Editor’s Note: This quote is waaaay out of context.
Despite all of the recent bad press about Spider-Man movies, SOME will still try to make a buck off of a those who don’t see Spider-Man for the MENACE he is. A great example is this adorably misleading chibi-style Spider-Man. Look at it – it’s OUTRAGEOUSLY cute, without a single drop of blood on it’s sweet little plastic hands. Many WB readers ask me “JJJ, how can we stop the vigilante known as Spider-Man?” And to them I say: DON’T BUY THIS CUDDLY PILE OF PRECIOUS LIES!!!
Hurt Little Boy Leaves Hospital In Full Spider-Man Cast; Doesn’t Realize that He’s Promoting Lawlessness and Disregard for Public Safety
This poor Kid. He probably owns one of those delightful, brain-washing, chibi-style Spider-Man toys. How else can you explain a full body cast mimicking the wall-crawler’s disguise? This journalist wonders what horrible medical supplies are yet to come. A full-body nazi cast? Terrorist bandages? Sony Pictures studios med-kits? The slope is SLIPPERY here, folks!
Finally some good news! Elliot Hawkes, a mechanical student at Stanford, has invented wall-crawling gloves – or as I like to call them: the END OF SPIDER-MAN! How horrible then, that my pleas to the current mayoral administration go unanswered! WHEN I WAS the Mayor of this grand city, YOU CAN BET that I would have utilized this technology immediately alongside my line of spider-slayers. The pro-super-human lowlifes that elected the current government officials represent everything wrong with today’s perception of law and order.
Another day, another director steps forward to talk about concerns with Spider-Man media. David Fincher wanted to open up the franchise with an operatic title sequence, “I was going to do… a ten minute — basically a music video, an opera, which was going to be the one shot…”. I can only assume David stepped down from the project when he bought generic viagra Spider-Man as some kind of law-breaking hero.
The Weekly Bugle is a public service, chronicling every Spider-injustice that I don’t have time to discuss on the FACT CHANNEL. See our Featured News for the latest and greatest, or click one of the links below for more coverage of our Dangerous Neighborhood Spider-Man!