Since Spider-Gwen #15 serves as a Christmas special for the series, we’d like to present our own Spider-Gwen Reviews Christmas Special. This is a completely original work, and not at all inspired by Charles Dickens, Theodore Giselle, or Tim Burton. In fact, who are those guys? Who are you? Stop asking questions. Enjoy the review.

George Stacy was incarcerated: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The order of his detainment was signed by the judge, the clerk, and the chief of police. Stacy accepted it: and Stacy’s name had been good upon any testimonial he put his word to, until he had revealed his associations with the Spider-Woman. And upon here begins our Christmas tale.

—

Twas the night before Christmas, in the City of New York

(On Earth Sixty-Five, if you’re that much of a dork)

Cindy Moon was nestled, all secure in her cell,

Getting a booty call, by a red ninja from Hell

SILK and the Hand! But how can this be?

And will Cindy and Matt be my new OTP?

The Mary Janes truly prove their punk rock credential,

Covering Ramones Christmas carols, in a manner most reverential

They’re foiled by a mugger, whom Gwen valiantly tracks,

But then, without warning: SURPRISE NINJA ATTACKS

The stage is then set as the players prepare,

But will Murdock’s true motives catch Spider-Gwen unaware?

——

You’re a mean one, James Latour,

You’ve destroyed this poor girl’s life

She’s already at her lowest point, and then Murdock twists the knife,

James Latouuuuur!

You craft such a great dilemma, the drama is riiiiiiiiiiife

You impress me, James Latour,

The way your story flows,

“Spider-Women” still aids your story, unlike crossovers that mostly blow,

James Latouuuuur!

Considering how rare it is for a crossover event to actually have lasting ramifications on any of the titles it encompasses, your craftsmanship shooooows!

—

What’s this? What’s this? There’s ninjas in the air!

What’s this? DD’s costume gives scare!

What’s this? All the colors come alive!

Robbi Rodriguez Provides his flair!

What’s this?

The colors don’t scream “Christmas”, but they still seem to work

Neon lights when Gwen is rocking, bloody red when Matt’s a jerk,

The Mary Janes as Christmas elves, so cute I just might squee,

And if you’d ask, I’d say the art is pretty good to me…

What’s this?

—

And so it was, dear readers, that on this Christmas New Comics’ Eve I was visited by three books. The first book was a tale of a Spider-Man most amazing, which turned its youthful and vibrant eyes towards retconning the Past. The second, a tale of a villainous man filled with Venom, was devoted to its new status quo, what its titular fiend was doing in the Present. But the third book, dear readers, was the most frightening of all, presenting the prospect of a grim Spider-Gwen Yet to Come, who may be kept permanently under the thumb of this devilish Kingpin of Crime. If she wishes to avoid this fate, she must certainly change her ways.

…but let’s hope that the creative team doesn’t change their ways, because the book is continuing to rock right now.