The Weekly Bugle runs every week and includes all of the interesting and cool things we see around the web, but just didn’t quite make it as Featured News. The views expressed by JJJ are not necessarily those of Superior Spider-Talk – who honestly hope Jonah pursues a career in pizza.

HELLO INTERNET. J Jonah Jameson here, with this week’s almost-news. The FACT CHANNEL has been busy bringing you Featured News of crazy Spider-Men, Women and Swine all in cahoots to terrorize our fine city; but rest assured – I’m keeping the technologically advanced WEEKLY BUGLE up and running with street-level oddities and News – so you’ll know when to panic, and when to be outraged!

Karn is Coming to the Spider-Man Unlimited Game and He’s Bringing a Big Update

Everyone’s favorite ragdoll physics game is getting an update – reportedly allowing you to smash that wall-crawling degenerate into new obstacles, enemies, and locations. In this trailer we see Karn – a homegrown hero who just wants to make his family proud and carry on the family business: Totem Extermination. Highly regarded and receiving glowing reviews from 616 to 11638 – the Inheritors are the best kind of people: decent folk just trying to rid the world(s) of pests.  Gameloft is doing a fine job of crafting ever-changing and entertaining ways to throw that bug at a wall – and this Journalism Man is happy to hear it.

MEL Films Releases a Captivating Documentary about Local Man Titled “Uncle Ben”

This sobering – yet ultimately uplifting documentary about the everyman of New York City, is sure to bring smiles and tears to the faces of people from the big apple and beyond. Cliff Robertson plays a stunningly accurate portrayal of Ben Parker (or as the title suggests, Uncle Ben) a kindly Uncle who has lived in queens the last few years – but is sure to live in your heart come this Christmas. MEL FILMS is excited about the project’s potential to show us everyday heroes – and is already looking into sequels starring local police captains and other underground heroes.

Mark Hamill to Face Off Against Spider-Man in a Cartoon, Show how Vigilantism Ruins Everything

Mark Hamill has warmed our hearts in animation before, with roles such as The Joker – Hamill’s performance as the Clown who wanted to see the whole world smile is still considered the very best example of bringing boyish charm and authentic goodwill character to the cartoon medium. This Christmas,  Hamill will once play an ordinary person who tries to help a dark, violent, and mentally ill person see a better way to live. Rumored to be based off A Christmas Carol, the character “Nightmare” will try to show Spider-Man the error of his vigilante lifestyle – but this Journalist knows that if my own editorials calling out that wacky webbed weasel didn’t do the trick, even someone as kind and empathic as the joker couldn’t change Spider-Man.

James Horner Explains Why He Didn’t Score The Amazing Spider-Man 2

We try to honor every hero brave enough to take a stand against those who would bring terror to our great city – and today we honor James Horner, for refusing to continue the support of the vigilante you know as the Spider-Man. Though I have faithfully continued reporting a fair and balanced tirade against Spider-Man’s crimes here and on the Fact Channel, SOME PEOPLE STILL think that accauster is some kind of hero! BUT I’ve never heard of a hero that broke laws, wore crude tight-fitting underwear, or constantly littered my office windows with web excrement – HAVE YOU?!? This journalist hopes that the nearly-as-evil villain: Sony Pictures will also see an outcry from the public and face justice.

Sketch Artist Gives Police an Accurate Description of “Carnage”

The true tragedy of killers like Spider-Man pretending to be heroes? Now all the other psychopaths think we will see them as heroes too! Carnage is three things: unforgivably cruel, twisted evil beyond all repair, and the newest “vigilante” who is supposedly trying to turn over a new leaf. These are NOT heroes, they’re not even vigilantes – killers and murderers like Carnage and Spider-Man are criminals and should be tried for crimes against humanity! Thankfully the police now know what to look for in Carnage’s case, and hopefully a sketch of the man behind Spider-Man’s sticky mask will soon be available as well. Note from the News Co-Editor: Spider-Man has not been proven to have killed or murdered in any capacity at time of publication. 

Our Podcast Was Delayed – Still Coming! 

FROM THE POST: Dan Gvozden here… Mark and I recorded episode 10 of AMAZING SPIDER-TALK and I hope to have it to you this weekend. I am in the middle of my finals for graduate school so I apologize for the delay, but it will be coming. Thanks for being patient.

J

J

Spider-Man Spotted Being a Menace in Egypt!

This is outrageous! Unheard of! No one could have seen this coming! AND I WARNED YOU! Spider-Man’s criminal activity has spread and now copycats have begun to emulate his brand of celebrated reckless behaviour, breaking the law with no regard for people’s safety or the – the constitution! First Egypt, what’s next? India? Japan? Uk? The 1950’s? We have to stop this blatant juvenile delinquency before we have a moon spider-man. If we don’t see this menace brought to Justice, soon we will have an entire planet in chaos – and then a Spider-Verse! QUICK – GET KARN ON THE PHONE!

 That’s all for this edition of THE WEEKLY BUGLE. Remember that Christmas is coming up, and nothing says joy like old copies of the Daily Bugle! Support the team here and buy a crate or two for your friends and relatives! Copies of the Daily Bugle from 2007: the GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS GIVING.