The Weekly Bugle includes all of the interesting Spider-Man things we see around the web that didn’t quite make our Featured News. The views expressed by JJJ are not necessarily those of Superior Spider-Talk.  Jonah seems to only read the headlines and may make outlandish assumptions based on the titles of articles we give him to review. This column doesn’t always post once a week – but Jonah’s lawyers did not want to change the name again. 

                 The Weekly Bugle                   

By J. Jonah Jameson

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

I can not believe how often I see Hero-Pandering nonsense online these days. But even I was shocked when I decided to do some research about a rumor that I had heard over the weekend; a rumor suggesting that SPIDER-MAN was nearly in the new Avengers movie – and not as a villain!

TOP NEWS:

Spider-Man Was ALMOST in Avengers 2

After doing some digging, I discovered what I prayed I wouldn’t find: hero-worship running rampant in hollywood. Not only was Spider-Man going to be in the Avengers – but the only reason he DIDN’T make the film, was “bad timing.”

Long-time Bugle readers know I have warned the public over and over again, but it seems the time has finally come – Hollywood no longer cares whether Spider-Man is a hero or not, they want him in a movie as an Avenger.

RIDICULOUS! That jumping jackass represents everything wrong with our morally bankrupt society – WHEN are parents going to speak against this kind blatant one-sided viewpoint and start listening to MY thought-out and intelligent conclusion: Spider-Man is a menace!

Is a Masked Man on a Playground Cute? This Artist Thinks So

Perhaps you saw THIS ARTWORK from several months ago – depicting Spider-Man being apprehended by the Avengers and led away by the authorities. Someone should check to see if the artist has been kidnapped. A second image was released this week featuring Spider-Man being welcomed back to the Avengers – to the DELIGHT of everyone.

But it gets worse; Spider-man is drawn as a preening little cutie pie that you would expect on a saturday morning cartoon – or captured as some sort of sickening parody of a Precious Moments bust. What other ways are your kids getting a biased view of the wall-crawler? The answer may infuriate you!

Is This… Some Sort of Brainwashing Doodad? 

I am honestly grappling with words – fumbling for some sort of coherent explanation for the idiocy and chaos of this… toy.

What is… What? It vaguely reminds me of last year’s Burning Man when a large woman fell out of a vat of fruit loops during a rave. The had some tile down and she just kept… spinning. I didn’t go – of course! My… friend told me about it.

I don’t know what this twirly nonsense machine is. But I do not like it.

Why all these sudden attacks against our children, you ask? I have one word for you: animated movie. It’s coming, folks. Heed my warnings or you may find yourself under a spell of the subtle media bias – or… a spinning whatchamacallit with little blinky lights.

Maybe it is some sort of probe.

-JJJ

IN OTHER NEWS: